The Predicament - Telling it how it is

I've decided that having a baby puts me in quite a predicament. This same thing happened after I had Oliver. I have like a little mini identity crisis. I chalk it up to sleeping for 1-2 hours at a time for about 4 hours a night and having this helpless little person demand that I give him ALL that I have to give and more. And if it's not enough, he will let me know. And not only does he not say thank you, but I don't even get a smile. The only difference is that this time around I have a demanding two year old throwing train tracks at me and refusing to pick up his toys. He does that not for lack of discipline, but probably because he is feeling a little like I am, which looks something like this: I wish Tim was here more often, I wish we could leave the house for more than an hour at a time, I wish that things were a little more predictable, consistent, or normal. Normal. It's amazing how quickly normal disappears. This is our new normal, for now. Now if I could just get used to it.

Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to have another little boy to love and take care of. A little man that makes life even more joyful and worth living. A life-long bestie for Oliver. A future missionary, husband, and father that I get to help raise. It's just that the beginning is kind of a complete emotional exhausting bad dream. And one of the worst parts for me? No one else appears to have a rough go after they have their baby's and if they do, they are not talking to me about it. As happy as I am for those women whose new-borns come out knowing when it's night-time and are happy to sleep for 6 hours at a time, I'm also a little  lot jealous and a little resentful.

Having a baby for some reason reminds me of all the things I want to do that I can't. I want to sleep comfortably for 8 hours at night. I want to go for a long run or hike Squaw Peak. I want to get away for the weekend with my husband. I want to shower and shave my legs and wash my hair and stand under the hot water for as long as I want. I want my house to be clean, it's part of my personality, I don't do well in mess and chaos. I want schedules and predictability. And then I end up feeling selfish and bad. Selfish for wanting those things and bad because I can't have them right now and that shouldn't bother me, but it does. And then I remember that for 9 months prior to having the baby I couldn't do a lot of those things and that makes me more sad.

And then, after a good cry, a vent session to my closet confidants, and a moment to myself, I remember. There is a reason for all of this. I don't have to completely sacrifice all of my wants and my type A personality traits. I just need to adjust them for the time being. I need to try and be creative (something that does not come easy to me at all) with the time and energy that I have. And I need to look for the little moments of joy that happen every day. I know that they are there. They are just so hard to see sometimes through the exhaustion and tears (from everyone). And I need to give myself a little bit of credit. A little drop of awesome. What I am dong is hard and I'm doing a pretty good job. I know that when all is said and done, these overwhelming days will be and are worth it. And I know that I am stronger person as a result.

So, there you have it. I am 3 1/2 weeks into this new little adventure with two and I'm exhausted and emotional and I'm adjusting and admitting that it is not coming easy to me. But, I also know, that it will get better and it will be worth it.

And then I look through pictures and I think, I wouldn't want it any other way..... (minus the sleep deprivation of course. I could totally do without that ;)

Oliver has been a pretty good little helper

Last night before he went to bed he gave Peter a kiss and an "uga muga" (an eskimo kiss from Daniel Tiger). I went to put Oliver in his crib and Peter cried out from the other room. Oliver responded with shouting, "Peter, don't cry. I just kissed you and gave you an uga muga." Oliver is one smart and sweet little boy.

Chillin' on the blanket that my cousin Erin made.

He's a pretty handsome little guy (in an old man sort of way ;)

This is why Oliver likes Tim so much.

Trying on dads ear plugs

I feel ya little guy, more than you know.

How great is this little romper?

Oliver with his new behavior jar. We are trying some positive reinforcement around here. The negative stuff is not very effective. 

I made a fort for Oliver the other day (drop of awesome for me) and got to watch him play and Peter sleep. It was a happy moment.

Oliver has discovered Sesame Street (we are watching more than the normal amount of TV these days but it's helping to keep me sane.....) he loves it!! And now he has a pretty great relationship with his Cookie Monster since he knows where he's from.

Snug as a bug. Love my new little predicament.